i know i haven't been writing too much. for a veeeery long time.. i had to check what my last post was lol. and ofc it would be about jonghyun, my one and only baby boo.
but yeah today i'll just be writing about myself, i guess.
erm.. i don't really know how to start it but i've been thinking about random stuff as always, and someone has been popping up in my head for a couple of times for the last few days?
it's my old time crush lols. i reaaaally hope he's not reading this right now. i think he would've moved on after i stopped posting for a long time but. yeah. i hope you're not reading this. *fingers crossed*
he's also the one who encouraged me to continue writing at one point of my loooonngggg hiatus haha. i guess i have to thank him for keeping my interest in writing alive.
but yeah. i wanted to talk about my crushes, and that was a really weird intro.
yeah i had crushes since middle school,just like any normal hormonal teenager. i wasn't a horndog though. or maybe this is just a self affirmation. but whatevs, that's not really important haha.
i like to think that my middle school and high school crushes as a dark corner of my past, so they won't really be mentioned much. maybe towards the end of high school ones. idk.
i feel like because the pool of guys available to me during those days was very small and limited, i just crushed on random guys who are taller than me.
i mean, growing up to 172cm in a small south east asian island, i can only say that not very many people had tall genes like my dad's side of the family, and the luck of being able to feed their kids reaaaaally good food, like what my dad did. so yeah, I'm not what you call average height there. so once i see taller guys, my eyes just sparkle and i totally forgot to think of the other qualities that guy possessed. crushing is blind. but then again i was like what, 15? pretty dumb.
i think my first real crush, was the guy i met when i was in taiwan?? (i'll be praying to all gods there is in this universe that he will not come across this, but if he did, i'm sorry??? and please just ignore this)
i use the term "real crush" because he's the one that's still on my mind from time to time.. it's pretty bad, but that's just how much i liked him then, i guess.
i think he was the first guy i really truly enjoyed talking to for an extended period of time. i'm a big sucker for personal life stories, don't ask me why, i don't know either. but when people starts to share little random stories or facts about themselves, i just melt and feel like "aaaawwww" all over. i don't really know why, but i think it's because i feel accepted? like that person actually likes me enough to tell me things about him/herself. i take it as an honour. i know some people are just motor mouths, but i'm not. yeah i know i'm applying my standards to others, but whatever floats my boat.
but yeah i love talking to him, just sharing random stories. time always pass by super quickly when i'm talking to him. but yeah, only one problem. he's already taken. i can totally picture god in his white robe thingy laughing at me and be like "HAHAHAHAH, NOT TODAY". but that didn't stop me from being really close as a friend. he's a great friend, and i kinda regret not checking up on him every now and then. it's kinda awkward to start talking again, i mean i know he won't mind but i just can't get past my own head. ugh. when will i learn to be shameless.
but yeah. he always smelled like he spent hours under the sun before he comes to class, and he has beautiful blue eyes. and a warm hug.
i also had this crush by the end of high school i think. probably during the last year of high school, up to my college days. it was a bad crush. cos at one point i don't really know what to do about it?
it was so confusing and he wasn't helping as well. but i kinda sorta figured it out.
but yeah, i don't think he'll be reading this so. if he ended up reading this by some miracle of whichever god he believes in, so be it. i've decided to just get it all out of my system.
in a nutshell, he's a really nice guy. but probably not the guy for me?
he's nice, really outgoing, he thinks he's funny (i think he's stupid), and he's a ladies man LOL. i don't know if he knows it, i think he does, but he's really good at talking with girls? i wouldn't really call it being frivolous, but there's just something about him that's really attractive to girls? maybe that's why i was attracted to him too?
long story short, it was an on and off texting relationship lol. no, we never dated. but we did text each other a lot.. maybe he was texting other girls too but, whatever, it's not important anymore.
but yeah, at one point he became the "go-to guy when I'm back at home during breaks". i'm not proud of this... but he probably thinks it's just him being a nice friend.
at one point the texts were very flirty? or at least i thought it was. it wasn't something that's accidental as well. but it caused me nights of confusion, just thinking about whether he's just being a dumb jackass or if he actually meant it. a few friends told me it's just him playing around, which, i'll just be honest right now, is a dick move. really, if it was just playing around, then he really messed with my feelings.
there were moments when i was mad, and confused. half of the time i just played along but i knew i should've just stopped it while i can.
but last summer, before i went back home, one of my closest friends told me that maybe i wasn't really attracted to him, just that I'm so used to having someone to talk to all the time, someone i can go to when I'm feeling bad, that i can't stop talking to him. and maybe that was it. because when i got back home and hung out with him, it was mostly awkward, me not knowing what to say to him, and him being busy with his new work. it just didn't feel right anymore.
and i kinda sorta told him that i used to have a crush on him earlier this year. and he told me he never had a crush on me. so yeah.. it was a sign for me to put him in a cardboard box and keep him closed off that category. we're still good friends, i think? we don't talk as much anymore. he's busy with work, and i'm just tired of trying to keep the conversation going. we're just too different in the end.
i had a crush back in community college too.
i don't know, i just really liked him. outgoing, kind, funny, and not gonna lie, he was cute too. HAHA - yes that's my awkward laugh. i don't know, i just regretted meeting him too late. he's a really nice guy. and his goodbye card.. oh gosh. if one day you caught me smiling to myself like a crazy person, it's all his fault. i don't know if he meant it, or if it was just a cheesy go-to line he used from time to time, but i really really appreciate his words. thinking about him makes me want to smile, that's just how good of a person he is in my head.
he may or may not be one of the reason i cried a lot on my way back home last summer. i was a sad little prune on my flight back home. it was so weird.
and then i came to
so yeah, i had another serious crush. like serious as in i seriously want to kick myself in the head. if only i was that flexible. but yeah i liked talking to him too. and his randomness. and workaholic tendency. and his hair.
i know it's weird, but i reaaaaally like his hair. his hair would look so good in toddlers, i hope he gets married soon and make cute mini-me's cos i think his kids would look super cute. i can't go on a lot of details because DANGER IS ALWAYS LURKING IN DARK CORNERS, i should not drag him into this mess i call my life.
but yeah, what i'll remember about him is his chocolate, his caring attitude, his work ethic, the way he never buttons the top two buttons (you can't see it but I'm shaking my head right now), his random comments and questions (which i love, tbh), along with his random stories, and his freckles. which is weird, i never liked freckles before, but it looks good on him so, :)
but he's also very taken and very out of my league. but i still can't stop thinking about him. i blame the conditions of our meetings, i'm conditioned to think about him all the time. due to some reasons. which i can't even say here. because it's self-incriminating lol. bury those who have heard stories about him from me will know exactly who i mean.
so yeah, i don't really know why i took the time to actually type this all out, cos it's not really important information. but i'm a believer of writing things down to let it go. so i guess this is me trying to push things in a corner, which i decided is my blog. at least for this time.
i'm also deadly aware that things i post online will stay online forever, but yeah good luck.
i really really hope no one i wrote about actually stumbles upon this. but if any of you guys think you are the one, just know that i'm sorry and have a nice day. (inserts a pic of me with my thumbs up)
yeah.
bye.
sorry.
