hi november

can i have a puppy?


okay that was random.i'm always random anyways.


i'm writing this from 11pm October 31..i'm sure i'm going to spend more than an hour on this so, hello november! 


i'm watching a horror movie cos it's halloween! yay. it's not even scary,obviously cos i'm not paying my full attention to it.but i think i saw this movie before. yeah smash that phone bish,it will ring again.haha.


talking about halloweens,i've always loved halloweens,the costumes,candies,but i never really for once celebrated halloween..cos it's not really a tradition here in indonesia. nobody cares about halloween here.okay,maybe some clubs,but there are no kids trick or treat-ing here. BOO HOO


ah about the puppy,i've always wanted to have once since forever.i just want something to pet. well a cat would be nice too.they are really beautiful,whereas dog are cute. i personally hate hamsters abit. i just don't like the thought of having a rodent near me. haha. my cousin has a few hamsters and every time she is going to ride in my car i will ask her whether she has washed her hands after touching her hamsters lol. not that i'm a clean freak,trust me i'm a messy bish,it's just that i am biased against hamsters,okay?

well there's something that's bothering me from time to time but usually i just brush that away.it's about getting into relationships..dating[?] hmm,yes about that,dating..
i really don't know how to feel about this actually,i mean i never really got into any relationship before..and i'm starting to feel that i'm not that young anymore,i'm 18 btw.haha. i always thought that it wasn't that much of a problem,but then seeing other people getting into relationships,i can't help but feel a bit left out..i mean i have 0 experience in this..
i'm starting to question myself,i mean,is it because of me?or because i've been in a society that finds a human like me extremely unattractive..
i mean,well,i don't think i have a reaaaaally bad personality,i don't ALWAYS act like a bish,only when i'm not feeling good,then welcome to bish world.i treat the people i love with real care.and those i don't like i just keep them out of my way. does that sound like a real bad personality? i don't think so,but who knows what they think..hmmm~
well,if i was to rate myself from looks,i think i'm quite average..i won't say that i'm ugly cos i know i'm not..my name is jane,i think i can at least get a 'plain' for looks.plain jane,average jane..no? honestly,from the deepest pit of my brain or heart,whichever it is, i think it's my appearance that may be a turn off..i don't know,i mean at least that's what i'm least confidence of..my looks[?] specifically,body.haha i just feel like such a fat ass sometimes..maybe it's the after effect of watching too much k-pop girl groups..they have like reaaaaal thin bodies.haha. well,i personally think i need to lose like 10 kg to be in an ideal weight..or at least to feel good about myself.....I NEED MORE SELF CONFIDENCE like that's the most important thing i need to have...
and really i don't think i'm an ugly bish..i'm at least average. ;p

unless you think ^ that is ugly.then okay i'm ugly. yes that's me with extremely thick eyeliner.something i never use when i'm going out..i mean,as if i don't get enough stares without the thick cat eyes make up..honestly,i have really low self confidence till the point that sometimes when i'm in the mall i think people stares at me and think that i'm a freak.. i never go shopping with my friends without make up.i'm officially reliant to make up.if i was forced to go to malls without make up,i will cover my mouth and nose with my hands and lower my head. i'm really sick of what i'm doing to myself but i can't help it.. i was raised in a society where outer beauty is important.really really important.
sometimes i look at my lil sis' face and i say,''omg hurry and pull your nose up a bit or it's gonna disappear!'' she's just 8 and i think i'm messing her brain sometimes.and it's not just me,people at home will suddenly say,"why are u so tan?" or "why is your skin so different from your sis' " yes she's a tad more tan than everyone in the house,i personally think it's just bcos she plays under the sun too much..and yes we take it as a joke but sometimes people just forget that those words are words that she will remember till she's a teenager,and she might just grow up hating herself as much as i hate myself right now.. i'm such a bad sister.. :( i still remember what a shop keeper said when i was around 10 when i was buying clothes..personally i still blame her words that day for making me hate myself so fucking much..i was just 10,she said,"well if you want clothes that fit you,you should not be that FAT." i cried inside the fitting room.totally.if it happened now,i'd probably slap that bish across the room..really.

i still have fear of stepping into stores to buy clothes tbqh.it's not until 2 years ago that i started to want to step into a shop and try clothes out. all these years i never wanted to step into a clothing store,i always feel forced,and most of the time i'm extremely scared that someone might just fling those words to me once again..but up to this day i cannot step into a store myself,i always have a friend with me..yes i'm really fucked up.who isn't these days.the world is getting crazier each day,and people care less about others each day..






i must say,this post has nothing to do with november but whatever.haha.
annyeong~♥