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2014.
it has been a hard year. 
the first half was good i guess. 
but it got painful, more and more painful. 
and now i just want it to be over.

this year.
it was my last semester at sac city. i liked that place. 
it was comfortable. i got healthier, i worked out. i wrote papers
i met up with friends. i had more friends than i ever thought i would ever have in davis
i love them. it was a hard semester.
but i had the greatest time of my life. i had people who loved me
there was something i was working towards to. 
i also had to decide whether i wanted to stay in davis, or if i wanted to leave everything behind
it was hard. i had a hard time. 
i cried. i hated my housemates. i had issues with them.
i survived that semester. i had fun.
but i also had to say goodbye. 
it was the first time i cried on my way back home.
i cried because i know everything will never be the same again.
i couldn't stop crying on the plane. i was sad on my way home.

i stopped going to twitter for a long time.
i returned to twitter this year too.
not long after i returned, kris left exo. i was devastated 
even though i knew it was bound to happen.
it did not make it feel less painful.
no matter how much mental prep you have, it still hurts.
i pushed it back. i didn't want to have anything to do with them anymore.
it hurts too much.

she got together with him this year. they also broke up this year.
she was sad. i was sad and angry. 
i felt sorry because i couldn't be there for her.
i was angry because he made her sad. i felt like it was uncalled for.
she's still sad. but one day she'll find someone else to make her happier.

i finally met the girl who made her happy.
she was nice. they were happy together.
seeing them being happy, i felt better about telling her to go for it.
she went through a lot to be with her. i hope she will stay strong.
i hope it will always be worth it.

i still don't know what love is.
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why is it always about costs and rewards for me. i wish i can care less.
i wish i was more spontaneous. 
i wish i was brave. i wish i wasn't that afraid of pain.
i wish i didn't measure feelings with things like
was it worth it? will it last? 

i boldly asked for hugs. i hugged a lot.
but the words will never leave my mouth. 
i knew it will never be. 
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but i can't get him off my mind.
i know the only way is by saying it. making it real and ending it.
i don't know why I'm still holding on.
maybe I'm not as smart as i think i am.
i need to move on. 
but its so hard when he's so close to home. too close. 

i moved. 
my first quarter in a totally new city. i was free to create a new me.
but i can't change who i am.
i felt lonely without my friends. i made new ones.
i hate some people i met. i love some. 
i was content. i was busy. 

but so many bad things happened this year. 
i am so tired. 
was this year cursed?
the world has become sadder, angrier. 
some nights i think, why am i here.
why do i have to go through all of this.

she thinks that it's god's will. 
that i am here to become like her. 
i think i am here to inspire change. 
i don't want to be like her. it's not my aspiration. 
her god is not what i yearn for in my life. 
i yearn for more people to understand how the world works.
scientifically. 
understand that humans brought this upon themselves. 
that only humans can change their own destiny. 
do you believe in god?
maybe. i was raised to.
but as i grow older i begin to question more about it. 
sometimes i wish i still believe in god. heaven and hell. 
maybe i would be happier. or maybe not.

next year.
may it be better. 
may i be happier.
may i be bolder.

may i be able to let go. 
of those who i will never mention.