hello readers :) 
i'm back with another post today. hehe
i'm gonna spend 2 nights alone in the apartment cos both my roommates, jen and lisa, went back to their homes.yes they live in other cities here in california.. how i envy them,i want to be able to go home every 2 weeks or so~ ><


i'm feeling a little bit ill now,i think i'm having a mild fever >< i had a headache earlier today when i was preparing lunch..ended up having lunch at 3 cos i got home kinda late >< was hoping to be able to take a nap but no,i just can't sleep no matter how long i laid on the couch~ >< quite annoyed but whatever, at least the headache is gone now~ 


and cos i'm feeling a little bored, so i'm just gonna post something i found on fb a few days ago *i think* well actually,it's not like i have nothing to do, cos i have 2 social science papers that i have to write, but i'm in no mood to write response papers! gahhh it's friday night i want to have fun haha~ *and my idea of fun is writing a blog post?!* haha.


so i got this horoscope thingy from fb.. as i have maybe mentioned before i love horoscopes.but not those that tells you what your lucky number,or how's your luck in love today is blahblahblah.. who believes in that shit anyways hahahha. the ones i love are the ones which talk about traits. or put simply it kinda describes your personality. and please remember i'm doing this for fun, it's not that i believe in it 100%.. i'm not that foolish okay~


so i got this 'article' from this page http://www.facebook.com/pages/愛情不是遊戲/111048682315693 in the album with the title "十二星座解析A___A"
full credits to the owner of that page.

"雙魚是孤獨的，從來不喜歡和別人搶東西
希望在身邊的人都是心甘情願的留下來。
人來人往中，要雙魚對一個人上心不容易
初接觸雙魚的人都被他那種不冷不熱的態度嚇走了。
但真正走進雙魚心裡的人，就會發現雙魚對人好

對於魚兒來說，世界上最重要的東西是感情
一條精神上滿足的魚，可以沒有其他東西，就已經是最幸福的人。

任何感情對於雙魚來說都是重要的
愛情很重要，但不見得會比親情更重要
在雙魚的眼中，感情是單純的，是單獨的。
魚可以原諒對方的一切，只要那個人是真心對他好的。
對魚魚來說，每個人都是特別的

雙魚座容易相信別人，容易被騙。
很在乎朋友親人又常常懶得聯繫，很宅懶得走動。
要不很沉默內斂，要嘛high起來讓人覺得很搞笑。
喜歡很開心地笑，其實很多時候不知道為什麼而開心。
要嘛很潔癖，要嘛就是環境毀滅者。
要嘛超勤快要嘛又小懶蟲一個。
吃軟不吃硬，喜歡裝堅強。

雙魚座的他們是一個很難理解的星座，因為她的性格太多元化。
他可以幽默，可以冷漠，可以柔弱，可以堅強
可以成熟，可以天真，可以精明，可以傻氣

說話往往口是心非，你們永遠猜不透他們在想什麼。
不要說他們是在裝，其實這才是真正的雙魚
一個千變萬化的魚"

so yeah the whole thing is in mandarin hahaha~ okay cos i'm a nice person i will translate it for myself.cos this is obviously my horoscope*pisces* if any of you guys want me to translate another horoscope sign,tell me and i'll try to translate it if i have time keke~


雙魚是孤獨的，從來不喜歡和別人搶東西
Pisces are solitary, never fight with others to get what they want
希望在身邊的人都是心甘情願的留下來。
they will hope that the people around them are willing to stay on their own accord
人來人往中，要雙魚對一個人上心不容易
it's hard for a Pisces to set their heart on someone *i'm guessing this means it's hard for them to fall in love?*
初接觸雙魚的人都被他那種不冷不熱的態度嚇走了。
for people who interacts with a Pisces for the first time, a Pisces' withdrawn personality might scare them away.
但真正走進雙魚心裡的人，就會發現雙魚對人好
but for those people who really gets to know a Pisces, will find that a Pisces treats people nicely


對於魚兒來說，世界上最重要的東西是感情
To a Pisces, feelings*or relationships between people* is the most important thing in the world
一條精神上滿足的魚，可以沒有其他東西，就已經是最幸福的人。
a Pisces which is mentally/psychologically content can be without anything else and still be the most blessed/happy person.


任何感情對於雙魚來說都是重要的
To a Pisces, any kind relationships/feelings are important
愛情很重要，但不見得會比親情更重要
to them, love is important, but it may not be more important than kinship
在雙魚的眼中，感情是單純的，是單獨的。
in the eyes of a Pisces, relationships are simple/pure and exclusive
魚可以原諒對方的一切，只要那個人是真心對他好的。
they can forgive their partner's every faults, as long as he/she treats them sincerely
對魚魚來說，每個人都是特別的
to a Pisces, everyone is unique


雙魚座容易相信別人，容易被騙。
Pisces believes in other very easily, thus they are easy to be fooled
很在乎朋友親人又常常懶得聯繫，很宅懶得走動。
they care a lot about their closed ones but rarely keep in contact with them, they are lazy to move
要不很沉默內斂，要嘛high起來讓人覺得很搞笑。
they can either be very introverted or be very 'high' to the point that people find it really amusing/funny
喜歡很開心地笑，其實很多時候不知道為什麼而開心。
they like to laugh heartily, but actually most of the time they don't really know what made them so happy
要嘛很潔癖，要嘛就是環境毀滅者。
they can either be a cleanliness freak or be the ones who 'destroys' their environment
要嘛超勤快要嘛又小懶蟲一個。
they can be very diligent or be a lazy ass
吃軟不吃硬，喜歡裝堅強。
they like soft approaches and hate to be forced, they also like to put up a strong front


雙魚座的他們是一個很難理解的星座，因為她的性格太多元化。
Pisces is a sign which is hard to understand because their personality is too diverse
他可以幽默，可以冷漠，可以柔弱，可以堅強
they can be humorous yet cold and detached, can be delicate yet strong
可以成熟，可以天真，可以精明，可以傻氣
they can be mature yet naive, can be shrewd yet foolish


說話往往口是心非，你們永遠猜不透他們在想什麼。
they tend to not speak up their mind, you can never guess what their thoughts
不要說他們是在裝，其實這才是真正的雙魚
don't assume that they like to pretend to be something they are not, actually that is the true Pisces 
一個千變萬化的魚
a fish that is ever-changing




okay~so this is my fruit of labor lol. okay nope it's just my crappy translation hahaha. i don't know whether all of those is part of my personality, cos obviously i'm not the one to judge haha. but i can say there are a few that i agree on.. it's the part that says a pisces is withdrawn. i can't say that i realise it myself but that's what my cousin always say about me ever since i came here.
so there are times when i'd go to her place for dinner or small gathering and there will be a lot of people there and all of them would be talking about something.. then i would be there sitting and just listening to them talk.. it's not like i don't want to talk to any one of them it's just that i don't know when i should join in the conversation and if i joined in, what should i say. there are times when i feel that i'm unwanted in a conversation and i guess that fear of rejection acts up all the time. and i truly don't like it when people make a joke out of me or point out something that everyone notices but chose to keep quiet about it to avoid embarrassing me. i hate being embarrassed, cos it's gonna make me more socially awkward than i already am. maybe those type of people might assume that it's funny, but i don't really think it's funny. it makes me want to tear your mouth off. but because i don't want to make a further fool of myself i usually just smile it off. 


hahaha and before we know it this post is turning into a rant post. everytime i start writing things in my blog it almost always turns into something like this hahahah~ i think i have some serious issues about insecurities and stuff..might want to get counseling haha~






okay then
annyeong~♡

someone please help me :(

someone please help me...
i don't know what to do. i guess there's something wrong with me, but i'm not really sure what's wrong.. nothing's wrong with me physically but i think i have some issues with my head.


so now my roommate, jen, is out to a project-meeting with her classmates and then she'll go play badminton till it's around 11pm. and what i discover is that every time my roommate goes out and leave me alone in the apartment, i'll get a really strange feeling. it's like i'm so afraid of something,but i just can't figure out what i'm afraid of. it feels so empty and hollow like someone took something from me but i don't know what. at first i thought it was because i was worried about my assignments but recently i discover that the weird feelings shows up only when jen goes out and leave me alone in the apartment. i'll just get ultra worried and end up crying. not just crying but sobbing. i'm really tired of this. i want it to stop.




i really feel so lonely here. even though i try to show up at a lot of gatherings, those at college, even to my cousin's church! i'm not a christian but i ended up going to my cousin's church so that i can make more friends. i just can't stand being alone. i realize that my biggest fear is being alone. i'm no longer afraid to go out and make friends anymore cos i know, more than the fear of being embarrassed in public, i'm more afraid of being alone. the thought itself is enough to drive me crazy.
i know that i'm not alone here, i have a few new friends, my roommates, and my cousin. but i still feel lonely. very very very lonely. it's like i have no one to depend on. i'm not saying that my cousin or roommates treat me badly. they treat me really nicely and there's no way i can repay their kindness to me. i find it hard for me to trust them 100% like i trust my bebes back at home. really, it's unbelievable that i can't even trust my own cousin, who has lived for 3 years in my own home, who i'm supposed to be able to treat as my own sister, that i'm supposed to be able to trust. i don't know if this is how it's supposed to be or if i have some major issues with myself.
or maybe i don't have any issues with myself? cos i haven't been close to my cousin for years. maybe a part of me is telling me that i can trust her cos i know her but then another part of me is screaming,telling me i can't trust her cos she might not be the cousin i knew from the past, maybe she has changed, be wary of her. it's crazy. my head is crazy. i am going to have a mental breakdown sooner or later if this goes on for the rest of my time here...


there are a lot of things that makes me feel lonely too.
even though i have met a few friends at college and some of them are really nice, but i just can't seem to trust them. i wonder if it shows on my face, cos if it does it will insult them and i don't want to do that to them. they are really nice. ><
i think i need a fellow fangirl friend... it's funny how fandoms will pull people closer together. liking the same things means we'll have more things in common. i really truly miss the time i spent spazzing over kpop with my bebes..


another thing that i miss a lot is skinship. i cannot deny how much i love skinship and how much skinship i did in the past at high school. well, i did most of my skinships with girls tho, so don't worry ;p now i miss skinship to the max! you won't know how much i feel like grabbing my classmates hands in the middle of the lecture, no matter who was sitting beside me that day. it's so hard to keep that urge down i'm so afraid that someday i'm going to pounce on a random person i meet at college and hug them till they suffocate or something. i just yearn to hold someone's hand, to hug somebody. every time i go out with my cousin i will eventually link arms with her, it just comes naturally. in the other hand i hope i won't 'naturally' just grab someone's hand in the middle of the road cos i might end up being yelled at or worse get punched. 


and i miss my parents a lot. i constantly wonder how they're getting along at home without me. even though it's not like they can't live without me but to not be able to see me and ask me to help them out with things like picking my siblings up from school, do some chores or just help them pick what to wear to a gathering. it always hurts me when i remember what my mom and dad says before i came here. my mom said that from now on there's no one to help her style her hair. and my dad said that i'm a bad kid for leaving him and going that far away from him. sometimes i feel that i'm so selfish cos i can't imagine what my parents feel when we waved goodbye at the airport. 
i'm constantly worried about my parents, i'm worried that they might get lonely without me, that's why on CNY i bugged a lot of my bebes to go to my house to paicia. haha. i mean after all this is the first time my parents spent CNY without me. i would be grateful if any one of my bebes would just go to play at my house sometimes, just talk to my mom, so that she won't feel too lonely. 






recently i watched a k-drama, SHUT UP FLOWER BOY BAND, which has got me devastated when one of the characters died. it was a drama about a group of juveniles who formed a band. i fell for the 2 main male lead in the drama, jihyuk and byunghee. i personally adore byunghee to bits because of his personality and how he seemed to 'look sad even when he's smiling'. there was a particular line jihyuk said that i loved, it was "everything is gonna be okay as long as we have byunghee." i thought it was really beautiful, cos byunghee and jihyuk depended each other a lot in that drama. what i didn't know is that it turns out the actor who played as byunghee was only a cameo and that byunghee would die in episode 2. i was torn apart when he died, it's both what jihyuk has said previously and the way he died that hurt me the most. 
byunghee was hit on the head with a bat and called jihyuk for help. jihyuk, who was waiting for him at their place, left his phone inside the house when he was talking to a neighbor in his front door. by the time jihyuk saw his phone, he gathered up the other band members and they went to look for him. when they finally spotted byunghee, byunghee, who was bleeding so bad, saw jihyuk and said ,"jihyuk,you came." and started to walk across the street. i honestly got relieved for a second but then a truck came and just drove right towards byunghee and killed him. to me, it was so hurtful, it's like you getting thrown down after having a glimmer of hope. when you thought everything was going to be okay, the worst happened. and then i started to think, what will jihyuk do now that byunghee is gone.... i seriously got really sad for 2-3 days and stopped watching the drama altogether.
some of you may think that i'm a crazy girl who got immersed too deep into a drama but the thing that made me sad wasn't only the fact that byunghee died, but what am i supposed to do if that happens to me one day.. when i finally found someone who i thought i could count on for the rest of my life, but then suddenly they're gone. will i be able to accept the fact if that happens? or will i just get a mental breakdown and go crazy? byunghee has left me with a lot to ponder... 




and as a side note, i would like to talk about suicidal thoughts... i used to have a thought that when people said they are going to kill themselves, they are just trying to look for attention. but as i slowly thought about this matter seriously, sometimes those suicide threats aren't just words. people have to be able to differentiate people who are just seeking for attention to those who really needs our help. the truth is i used to have suicidal thoughts once in a while in the past. it's not a serious case, but now i realize how easy it was for those thoughts to surface is my head in the past. i would think, would it be better if i was dead? will everyone be happier? it was nothing serious but i really gave a thought of whether i could die if i jumped from the second floor of my house. it's crazy, i know, but i'm not making things up here.. but i have to thank God that i'm afraid of pain..i don't want to die in pain. and i sure don't want to see my parents being sad. one thing i must say is, the further away a person is from God, the easier those thoughts creep into their mind. i'm not a fully religious person but i love God and i know and proved that by being closer to God i have found more strength in myself because i know in the end that i will never be truly alone. i understand that sometimes i will forgot God's presence, because as a human being, it's hard to remember what you can't see......
well that's all, cos i just had a sudden thought about people who are suicidal and how much it actually hurts them cos most of them can't really speak up their mind..they just keep bottling things up, bottling those thoughts up until they can't hold on anymore and just decided to end their life.. so please, readers, care more about those around you.. cos once they are gone there's no way to bring them back.




that's all for tonight..i stopped crying cos i'm listening to my life battery charger's songs~ :) and for those who don't know who my life battery charger is, it's my babies, my SHINee XD


ah and one more thing, a shout out for one of my bebes, jessy~! hey you know what, your lovey dovey-ness with your guy is making me jelly here XD i guess i'm still not used to sharing you with other people.. you are MINEEEE~ hahahha.


by the way, someone, i mean my future partner, please hold my hand like this 

the way my otp, jjongkey, hold hands.. they are both guys, so if we can't do it better than them imma kick you in the face okay. ;p and so what if i love seeing guys hold hands, problem?  i have moooorree~~


obvious ones

subtle ones

super sweet ones that makes me want to try do it too~

okay i can see that some of you are making faces like

and

 already..


my bias~~♡ they are my super power charger~ ♡♡♡
nothing you say will make me change my mind about them


so,annyeong~~~ ♡