no matter how open i am to some of my friends
there will still be a part of me that i keep to myself.
most probably because i don't understand that part of myself either.

and a merry old soul was he

hey ho, people.
i know i haven't been writing too much. for a veeeery long time.. i had to check what my last post was lol. and ofc it would be about jonghyun, my one and only baby boo.

but yeah today i'll just be writing about myself, i guess.
erm.. i don't really know how to start it but i've been thinking about random stuff as always, and someone has been popping up in my head for a couple of times for the last few days?
it's my old time crush lols. i reaaaally hope he's not reading this right now. i think he would've moved on after i stopped posting for a long time but. yeah. i hope you're not reading this. *fingers crossed*
he's also the one who encouraged me to continue writing at one point of my loooonngggg hiatus haha. i guess i have to thank him for keeping my interest in writing alive.

but yeah. i wanted to talk about my crushes, and that was a really weird intro. 
yeah i had crushes since middle school,just like any normal hormonal teenager. i wasn't a horndog though. or maybe this is just a self affirmation. but whatevs, that's not really important haha. 

i like to think that my middle school and high school crushes as a dark corner of my past, so they won't really be mentioned much. maybe towards the end of high school ones. idk.
i feel like because the pool of guys available to me during those days was very small and limited, i just crushed on random guys who are taller than me. 
i mean, growing up to 172cm in a small south east asian island, i can only say that not very many people had tall genes like my dad's side of the family, and the luck of being able to feed their kids reaaaaally good food, like what my dad did. so yeah, I'm not what you call average height there. so once i see taller guys, my eyes just sparkle and i totally forgot to think of the other qualities that guy possessed. crushing is blind. but then again i was like what, 15? pretty dumb. 

i think my first real crush, was the guy i met when i was in taiwan?? (i'll be praying to all gods there is in this universe that he will not come across this, but if he did, i'm sorry??? and please just ignore this) 
i use the term "real crush" because he's the one that's still on my mind from time to time.. it's pretty bad, but that's just how much i liked him then, i guess. 
i think he was the first guy i really truly enjoyed talking to for an extended period of time. i'm a big sucker for personal life stories, don't ask me why, i don't know either. but when people starts to share little random stories or facts about themselves, i just melt and feel like "aaaawwww" all over. i don't really know why, but i think it's because i feel accepted? like that person actually likes me enough to tell me things about him/herself. i take it as an honour. i know some people are just motor mouths, but i'm not. yeah i know i'm applying my standards to others, but whatever floats my boat.
but yeah i love talking to him, just sharing random stories. time always pass by super quickly when i'm talking to him. but yeah, only one problem. he's already taken. i can totally picture god in his white robe thingy laughing at me and be like "HAHAHAHAH, NOT TODAY". but that didn't stop me from being really close as a friend. he's a great friend, and i kinda regret not checking up on him every now and then. it's kinda awkward to start talking again, i mean i know he won't mind but i just can't get past my own head. ugh. when will i learn to be shameless.
but yeah. he always smelled like he spent hours under the sun before he comes to class, and he has beautiful blue eyes. and a warm hug. 

i also had this crush by the end of high school i think. probably during the last year of high school, up to my college days. it was a bad crush. cos at one point i don't really know what to do about it?
it was so confusing and he wasn't helping as well. but i kinda sorta figured it out.
but yeah, i don't think he'll be reading this so. if he ended up reading this by some miracle of whichever god he believes in, so be it. i've decided to just get it all out of my system.
in a nutshell, he's a really nice guy. but probably not the guy for me?
he's nice, really outgoing, he thinks he's funny (i think he's stupid), and he's a ladies man LOL. i don't know if he  knows it, i think he does, but he's really good at talking with girls? i wouldn't really call it being frivolous, but there's just something about him that's really attractive to girls? maybe that's why i was attracted to him too?
long story short, it was an on and off texting relationship lol. no, we never dated. but we did text each other a lot.. maybe he was texting other girls too but, whatever, it's not important anymore. 
but yeah, at one point he became the "go-to guy when I'm back at home during breaks". i'm not proud of this... but he probably thinks it's just him being a nice friend.
at one point the texts were very flirty? or at least i thought it was. it wasn't something that's accidental as well. but it caused me nights of confusion, just thinking about whether he's just being a dumb jackass or if he actually meant it. a few friends told me it's just him playing around, which, i'll just be honest right now, is a dick move. really, if it was just playing around, then he really messed with my feelings. 
there were moments when i was mad, and confused. half of the time i just played along but i knew i should've just stopped it while i can. 
but last summer, before i went back home, one of my closest friends told me that maybe i wasn't really attracted to him, just that I'm so used to having someone to talk to all the time, someone i can go to when I'm feeling bad, that i can't stop talking to him. and maybe that was it. because when i got back home and hung out with him, it was mostly awkward, me not knowing what to say to him, and him being busy with his new work. it just didn't feel right anymore. 
and i kinda sorta told him that i used to have a crush on him earlier this year. and he told me he never had a crush on me. so yeah.. it was a sign for me to put him in a cardboard box and keep him closed off that category. we're still good friends, i think? we don't talk as much anymore. he's busy with work, and i'm just tired of trying to keep the conversation going. we're just too different in the end. 

i had a crush back in community college too. 
i don't know, i just really liked him. outgoing, kind, funny, and not gonna lie, he was cute too. HAHA - yes that's my awkward laugh. i don't know, i just regretted meeting him too late. he's a really nice guy. and his goodbye card.. oh gosh. if one day you caught me smiling to myself like a crazy person, it's all his fault. i don't know if he meant it, or if it was just a cheesy go-to line he used from time to time, but i really really appreciate his words. thinking about him makes me want to smile, that's just how good of a person he is in my head. 
he may or may not be one of the reason i cried a lot on my way back home last summer. i was a sad little prune on my flight back home. it was so weird.

and then i came to SD. omg i'm self-incriminating. i've been trying so hard to not put any personal information. but yeah, i tried? 
so yeah, i had another serious crush. like serious as in i seriously want to kick myself in the head. if only i was that flexible. but yeah i liked talking to him too. and his randomness. and workaholic tendency. and his hair. 
i know it's weird, but i reaaaaally like his hair. his hair would look so good in toddlers, i hope he gets married soon and make cute mini-me's cos i think his kids would look super cute. i can't go on a lot of details because DANGER IS ALWAYS LURKING IN DARK CORNERS, i should not drag him into this mess i call my life. 
but yeah, what i'll remember about him is his chocolate, his caring attitude, his work ethic, the way he never buttons the top two buttons (you can't see it but I'm shaking my head right now), his random comments and questions (which i love, tbh), along with his random stories, and his freckles. which is weird, i never liked freckles before, but it looks good on him so, :)
but he's also very taken and very out of my league. but i still can't stop thinking about him. i blame the conditions of our meetings, i'm conditioned to think about him all the time. due to some reasons. which i can't even say here. because it's self-incriminating lol. bury those who have heard stories about him from me will know exactly who i mean. 


so yeah, i don't really know why i took the time to actually type this all out, cos it's not really important information. but i'm a believer of writing things down to let it go. so i guess this is me trying to push things in a corner, which i decided is my blog. at least for this time. 
i'm also deadly aware that things i post online will stay online forever, but yeah good luck. 


i really really hope no one i wrote about actually stumbles upon this. but if any of you guys think you are the one, just know that i'm sorry and have a nice day. (inserts a pic of me with my thumbs up)

yeah.

bye. 

sorry.

KIM JONG HYUN IS PERFECT

just wanna put this out there.
cos he is just perfect. 
some of the words that came out of my mouth when i watch him perform is just unbelievable.
i said if he was a fallen angel, i'd follow him to hell.
like what.
i don't even know
he's just oh my good lord
he got me singing hallelujah
singing hallelujah

like that's how good he is. my baby boo. my dinopup. the love of my life
i love him so so so so so much 
i thank all gods of the universe for his existence.
thank you for being here in the same timeline and universe with me. 
thank you kim jjong for blessing us with your talents and voice and everything
wow i love you so much as a person it's just- 
wow.
everything about you is beautiful
keep on rocking!

kajf;oailnrbuiwefjanaowrilj;njfhuiaos;lfj
i don't have any reaction gifs in this laptop
boo hoo 
but thank you for being so perfect oh my god
jFc 

okay i need to start reading shit for my classes. bye 
BYEEEE
BYEEEEEEE
ugh. 
yeah jonghyun is the best thing in the world right now. this moment.
lolololol maybe not the only best thing but he's up there
part of my heart or brain will always be his hehe


ok bye

50 random Q cos that's how we do it

ok hey. 
i can't sleep cos i overslept during my supposedly 30 min nap. i slept for 2 hours. #dead
soooo here i am with more random questions cos that's what i always do when I'm bored and i want to kill time but i don't want to read my textbook 
so yeah 

50 random Questions meme blank:Rules;

Answer all those honestly.
you can skip 3 questions if you want.
tag 5 people to answer those.
tagged by:

1. What is your best friend’s name? 

= 1st skip. i can't choose.
2. What’s your favorite game at the moment?

= i am a lame-o, i don't play games that much. last game i played was 2048. sorry.
3. What are you listening to right now? 

= Jonghyun's Deja-Boo. this song is just perfect. jjong is perfect. i love him so much I'm gonna smother him with my loveeeeee
4. What’s your favorite number? 

= 10
5. What was the last thing you ate? 

= i ate watermelon. i love watermelon. my nickname in taiwan was watermelon. that's how much i love them.
6. If you were a crayon what color would you be?

= white. lol no. hm maybe blue. idk why.
7. How is the weather right now? 

= cool. winter in san diego does not feel like winter at all. i feel like I'm cheated out of winter but whatevs, i don't like the cold anyways hehe
8. Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?

= wow. hm. sharon lol
9. The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?

= everything lol. okay their looks obviously.
10. If you could have super power, what would it be and why?

= breathe underwater. i want to explore the ocean but then again i'd be too scared. ugh. why am i so scared of everythingggg
11. Favorite TV show?

= i don't watch a lot of tv anymore... but i like shows like KBS' gag concert lol i need my dose of comedy in life
12. Siblings?

= 3 younger. omg all i can remember is my convo with MP about our younger siblings. it was like a 10 second convo but ugh i can't handle it when ppl share personal life info with me, i bond too quickly over those type of info lol
13. Height?

= 172 cm last time i checked lol.
14. Hair color?

= black with orange ombre-highlight stuff that faded. ugh i need to re-dye my hair
15. Eye Color?

= brown
16. Do you wear contacts?

= yesss my poor eyes gets tired sometimes.
17. Something coming up that you’re looking forward to?

= my birthday! lol actually no. I'm just looking forward to more breaks lol
18. Favorite Month? 

= hmm probably december? breaks and food and last month of the year
19. Have you ever cried for no reason?

= uhm yeah.. or for reason too trivial to even serve as a legit reason. i had a lot of those.... lol
20. What was the last movie you watched?

= the imitation game. in the movie theatre. i watched a bunch with my cousin at home but i can't remember.. i can't remember shit. my memory is *sigh*
21. How many countries have you been to?

= 5? 6?
22. Are you too shy to ask someone out?

= yessss. but more than being shy, i think i'm just afraid of being rejected and then it'll be awkward and i'll lose that person. ugh so many things to consider.
23. Can you do a headstand (not using the wall)?

= nope. i can't even stand properly with my feet. come on.
24. Hugs or Kisses?

= hugs bc i've never been kissed before hehehehehehe. idk why I'm laughing it's not funny
25. Chocolate or Vanilla?

= ice cream? or just general stuff? i like chocolate but not as much when it's chocolate ice cream. idk why. chocolate ice cream suddenly became unappetising. but i do like ice cream with chocolate chunks yay.
26. What is something you like about yourself that isn’t a physical feature?

= i like that i can learn stuff really well lol idk if that's even something to be proud of lol
27. Choose one: Youtube, Reddit or Facebook?

= youtube all the way
28. One thing you look for in a friend/partner? 

= just someone who's honest with me? idk.
29. What color is your toothbrush? 

= pink? purple? i don't remember...
30. Piercings? 

= just the normal ear piercing on both side. I'm allergic to a lot of metal.. sad, i know. i want to get more but i don't even wear earrings regularly
31. Favorite movies?

= can't do favourite things ugh. choices makes me nervous lol

32. Favorite food of all-time?

= sushi! japanese food in general, i can eat it forever and ever and ever yum
33. What are you doing right now?

= typing on my blog and being hungry. what.
34. Butter, Plain or Salted popcorn?

= butter~~~~
35. If you could buy any type of food right now, what would you buy? 

= sashimi lol chirashi sounds so good right now
36. If you were to change your name to anything (first and/or last) what would it be?

= i actually reaaaaally like my name for some odd reason. i used to like jacqueline. but naahh. i like jane. popular in the 1800s lol
37. Dogs or cats?

= both i loveee animals i love snakes too :D
38. Favorite flower?

= peonies are so pretty
39. Been caught doing something you weren’t supposed to do?

= hm probably. but i've put it in the deepest part of my memory so i don't remember it. but i mean i also don't remember what i do on a daily basis so.
40. Do you have a best friend of the opposite sex?

= used to? now.. i don't even know. distance is a bitch. and i may or may not have done something that crossed the line? i don't even know anymore.
41. Have you ever loved someone?

= maybe? idk. was it love or just me wanting to own people.
42. Have you ever been admitted to hospital?

= nope. thankfully I'm as healthy as a bull - that's what my mom would say
43. Are you still friends with people from kindergarten?

= yeah. hehe. friends from baby~
44. Have you ever fired a gun?

= nope but maybe someday i'd love to learn how to fire a gun properly hehe
45. Do you like to travel by plane?

= i actually do like flying on planes. even though sometimes i get nervous and think that this is my day to die. but in general i like flying to places. the anticipation of getting to a new place. so exciting haha
46. Right-handed or Left-handed?

= right handed~
47. How many pillows do you sleep with?

= i only have 1 now. but i'd love to have more lol
48. Are you missing someone?

= right now? at this moment? maybe not. i'll maybe miss someone tonight but right now I'm just here with my own self.
49. Do you have a tattoo?

= nope. but i'd like to have one. although i don't really know what i want it to be..
50. Sunrise or sunset?

= sunset. the different colours in the sky during sunset is soooo gorgeous. 

I'm running away from my responsibilities again 

whats new. 

but if i get a cold tomorrow I'm gonna blame my TA... we were both sniffling like cray in his office... 

adios