i'm gonna die cos apparently the SQ website hates me.
i'm still here in davis and they say my flight itinerary is fully flown like wth SQ i'm still here TT my flight is supposed to be on dec 23 TT
im going to cry rn. i mean. what kind of force is trying to keep me here? is something bad going to happen if i go back? stop trying to stop me from going back. i just want to go back home :( you can say "i told u so" for the whole 2013 if something actually happens but i just want to go home. :(
daaaaaaaaaaad~ help me ;A; i'm forever a princess for my dad srsly. ><
i mean. im already that close to going home. i don't want to stay here during winter break.
just dont make me cry the whole winter break okay. thank you very much. and don't kill me on the flight too. just. pls. let me go home~
LIKE PLEAAAAASE PRETTY PLEASE WITH A CHERRY ON TOP LIKE JUST LET ME GO BACK. LET ME GET THE CLASSES I NEED JUST UGH. im so frustrated rn.
i think im going to throw up now. like srsly. im gonna sulk all day today. and register for my classes omg. im so scared i cant bring myself to see my eservices page like what if all classes are full. i mean god help me. like ohmygod. jebal jom salyeojwoyo TT
annyeong☹
*sad face cos im sad as hell rn*
Thursday, December 6, 2012
Tuesday, December 4, 2012
year end post - part 1
hi~ i'm back again..
i just re-read what i posted the last time and, people, that was depressing haha.
now i feel bad for making you guys read that...
and i'm thinking about starting to write my year end conclusion thingy by parts. i'm sure i won't be able to finish everything at one go so. yeah.
so, 2012 in a nutshell was a stupid and crazy year. so many first time for everything.
but yeah i survived living without my parents for a year /yay/ ((throws confetti))
well yeah i think i survived well enough although i think i might have broken some part of my body in the process of trying to survive. well mostly internal organs and maybe a few cuts and bruises and burns. im not gonna die yet, so.
this whole year living alone has given me new habits lol. i think i'm becoming more of a cheapskate now lol. i'll be super happy when i get free stuffs, free meals, offers, sales. i mean it's not like i'm not getting enough allowance money from my parent but it's just a thing i developed lol. i'd go to activities that i'm not rly interested in just for the food. i think i'm finally feeling what every college kids go through, i mean when i was in highschool, we'd always talk about college kids sneaking into weddings for free food in indo lol. the things we do for food~
and i finally noticed that my hygiene habits are kinda bad. i need to work on that so bad lol. my room is so messy TT but i think it's still acceptable. i've seen worse.
and 2012 will be the year where i'm drug-free yay~ so i haven't ate any kind of medicine this year~ it's such a big accomplishment cos every year i'd at least fall rly sick for once. like reaaally reaaaally sick. but this year i survived without any medicine. and i hope i won't get sick when i get back to indo. cos i'm sure the sudden change of weather is going to do something to my body TT
well and i'll probably hurt my stomach with all the spicy food in indo ohgod i can't wait to get back and eat all the chili!!!
i'm so gonna get fat by the time i get back to davis...
and talking about first time experiences, i'll tell u people about a depressing yet super embarrassing and dramatic thing that happened on the first month i came here.
so, as some of you readers might already know, my first month here was really rough. basically i had to live with strangers, and had to go everywhere by myself. and when i came here i found out that i was late in registering for classes and that freaked the shit out of me. most classes were full and i was truly panicking so hard cos if i couldn't get my 12 units i might have to go back to indo.
so i commute by bus to campus, whether it is to the davis center or the main campus in davis. so that one day i was trying to get into a class but the prof told all the waitlisted students that we might not have any chance and told us to just leave the class. i was truly devastated at that stage. i mean, it was the first time for me going through this all and all the anxiety put into my body, together with that rejection, i was feeling so bad. and guess what, cos i'm a drama queen, i cried on the bus on my way home.
like srsly. i cried for almost the whole 45 min ride of the bus, i feel like killing my old self for embarrassing myself like that. it was like a scene in a cheesy korean drama omg. i was sitting there and just crying nonstop like the world was ending, and some of the passengers, i think most of them were ppl getting home from work, started to throw me concerned looks. at that moment i couldn't care less of what people think i was just so immersed in feeling sad lol. i still get embarrassed when i think about it now. like srsly jane, you just had to be that dramatic. someone should've casted me as a female lead for their drama. hahaha.
but hey, i survived that semester! haha. i survived summer semester too~
this summer was the first time i encountered a day that was as hot as 40ºc i thought i was going to die. and first time i experienced seeing the sun when it's already 8pm! it's sooo weird for me. and yeah now the sun sets before 5pm. i always get so disoriented when seasons change, i have no sense of time.
there are a lot of other first times too... but i can't really remember most rn haha~
i'll probably add more later!!!
last 2 weeks of class this semester yay!
i can't wait to just go back home. like home, home. not that apartment in south davis. not my uncle's place in san ramon, nor my aunt's place at irvine. but my home at freaking indonesiaaaaa
gonna go to talk time now and wish me luck for my writing class presentation people! :D
annyeong♡
i just re-read what i posted the last time and, people, that was depressing haha.
now i feel bad for making you guys read that...
and i'm thinking about starting to write my year end conclusion thingy by parts. i'm sure i won't be able to finish everything at one go so. yeah.
so, 2012 in a nutshell was a stupid and crazy year. so many first time for everything.
but yeah i survived living without my parents for a year /yay/ ((throws confetti))
well yeah i think i survived well enough although i think i might have broken some part of my body in the process of trying to survive. well mostly internal organs and maybe a few cuts and bruises and burns. im not gonna die yet, so.
this whole year living alone has given me new habits lol. i think i'm becoming more of a cheapskate now lol. i'll be super happy when i get free stuffs, free meals, offers, sales. i mean it's not like i'm not getting enough allowance money from my parent but it's just a thing i developed lol. i'd go to activities that i'm not rly interested in just for the food. i think i'm finally feeling what every college kids go through, i mean when i was in highschool, we'd always talk about college kids sneaking into weddings for free food in indo lol. the things we do for food~
and i finally noticed that my hygiene habits are kinda bad. i need to work on that so bad lol. my room is so messy TT but i think it's still acceptable. i've seen worse.
and 2012 will be the year where i'm drug-free yay~ so i haven't ate any kind of medicine this year~ it's such a big accomplishment cos every year i'd at least fall rly sick for once. like reaaally reaaaally sick. but this year i survived without any medicine. and i hope i won't get sick when i get back to indo. cos i'm sure the sudden change of weather is going to do something to my body TT
well and i'll probably hurt my stomach with all the spicy food in indo ohgod i can't wait to get back and eat all the chili!!!
i'm so gonna get fat by the time i get back to davis...
and talking about first time experiences, i'll tell u people about a depressing yet super embarrassing and dramatic thing that happened on the first month i came here.
so, as some of you readers might already know, my first month here was really rough. basically i had to live with strangers, and had to go everywhere by myself. and when i came here i found out that i was late in registering for classes and that freaked the shit out of me. most classes were full and i was truly panicking so hard cos if i couldn't get my 12 units i might have to go back to indo.
so i commute by bus to campus, whether it is to the davis center or the main campus in davis. so that one day i was trying to get into a class but the prof told all the waitlisted students that we might not have any chance and told us to just leave the class. i was truly devastated at that stage. i mean, it was the first time for me going through this all and all the anxiety put into my body, together with that rejection, i was feeling so bad. and guess what, cos i'm a drama queen, i cried on the bus on my way home.
like srsly. i cried for almost the whole 45 min ride of the bus, i feel like killing my old self for embarrassing myself like that. it was like a scene in a cheesy korean drama omg. i was sitting there and just crying nonstop like the world was ending, and some of the passengers, i think most of them were ppl getting home from work, started to throw me concerned looks. at that moment i couldn't care less of what people think i was just so immersed in feeling sad lol. i still get embarrassed when i think about it now. like srsly jane, you just had to be that dramatic. someone should've casted me as a female lead for their drama. hahaha.
but hey, i survived that semester! haha. i survived summer semester too~
this summer was the first time i encountered a day that was as hot as 40ºc i thought i was going to die. and first time i experienced seeing the sun when it's already 8pm! it's sooo weird for me. and yeah now the sun sets before 5pm. i always get so disoriented when seasons change, i have no sense of time.
there are a lot of other first times too... but i can't really remember most rn haha~
i'll probably add more later!!!
last 2 weeks of class this semester yay!
i can't wait to just go back home. like home, home. not that apartment in south davis. not my uncle's place in san ramon, nor my aunt's place at irvine. but my home at freaking indonesiaaaaa
gonna go to talk time now and wish me luck for my writing class presentation people! :D
annyeong♡
Saturday, December 1, 2012
young female human talk 3~!!!
hey readers~
i haven't been writing much lately cos my papers were killing me~
i have another paper due on monday but it's alright cos my writing class' paper is done like yayyyyyy
i slept at 7pm last night cos i was just soooo sleep deprived for 2 weeks i was dying, so when i got back from class i was still trying to watch some videos and eat dinner. but after dinner i was like no. i need a bed like now. yeah and that's how i missed the whole freaking MAMA but i think everyone won so everyone was happy? haha idk
all i know that my freaking plot twist came true cos yeah buskerbusker won rookie award like eat that bap and exo fans lol. those two fandom just went crazy and like a war broke or something. i don't know i was too busy with my paper.
^^^ that part was written yesterday. i totally forgot about this post haha.
so it's the first day of the last month of this year yay~
2012 has been a wild ride. haha. i don't know how to explain it but yeah. it's a hella crazy year.
i think i used to write some sort of yearly conclusion thingy on my blog in the past.. i don't know. i never really checked but yeah. since 2012 is the first year i moved here to davis, california, i really want to make a year-end blog post thingy this year.
i'll tell you guys everything that happened this year. the happy ones, sad ones, crazy ones, stupid ones. i really want to do this so, people, please remind me~
and i'll probably make another year end resolution? idk. year end resolutions are kinda stupid but i'll probably make one just for the heck of it lol. i'll probably wish to get a boyfriend or something along those lines lol. santa won't you give me a guy this year? i think i'm starting to get a bit despo here lol.
yesterday i went shopping by myself *again* and bought a skirt that i love love love ohgod. and it only costs $12 altho there are some seams coming out i have no complaint since i got if for half the price. i'm not the type who'll make a big fuss about something that i cannot change. might as well try looking for ways to fix it haha.
i'm actually in the mood to make a young female human talk thingy again today haha. part III anyone?
for new readers who don't know what this "young female human" talk thing is, it's basically me, yours truly, writing a bunch of my thoughts *some might call it bullshit* about a topic that has been either bothering me, or about things that i've noticed from the people around me. and yeah like any young female human, i like talking about boys, love, crush and whatever that mumbo jumbo thing is. i wish i could talk about more serious stuff such as religion, racism, feminism, misandry, sexual education, and stuff like that, but it seems like those topics are so sensitive and i have absolutely no education on that so i will just save everyone and myself the trouble by just talking about shit that other young female human talks about.
well well once again, i abandoned this post for a few hours *oops*
i was actually planning to talk about love and loving an image of someone rather that the person itself. but i showered and went to youtube and watched a few vid.. decided to talk about how important my friends are for me. and how words really hurt. the person who made the whole "stick and stones may break my bones but words won't hurt me" phrase really need to re-evaluate his life. like seriously, if i had a choice between breaking my bones or having to hear all those hurtful words i heard in the past, i would rather someone just broke my leg or both of my legs, cos i know it will heal. yeah it will not be perfect but at least i can't inflict the pain to myself over and over again, even after years have passed.
words does hurt. and it hurts more that physical pain cos you can't re-inflict physical pain just by imagining getting yourself stabbed again and again. but your brain surely can replay those hateful words people said about you 10 years ago, again and again and again and again, until the day your brain forgets those words. and the pain that was caused by those words, it will feel as bad as the first time you heard it if you let it hurt you. it could even hurt worse. sometimes it will make you believe that those words are true. that yes, you are useless. you are worth nothing. people like you should just die. replay that 5 times a day and soon your brain will believe that it's true. that's why, think before you speak. please. i try to control my mouth more now. i bet i hurt quite a few people in the past. and i would truly like to say i'm sorry. i am truly very sorry. i was immature. and i know it shouldn't even be used as an excuse, cos i should have known better. i know how it feels yet i still did that. i am truly very sorry.
it is easy for words to cause people to fall into depression. and depression can be really mild or really severe. sometimes it makes you want to end your life, just because it feels as if it is easier to just end it all.
i think i've talked about this in one or two posts in the past. i just feel like it will never ever be enough. i just wish people would teach their kids how they should act. sometimes i feel so frustrated. so so so frustrated. i always feel so frustrated when i see someone post something about having suicidal thoughts. i'm so frustrated because i can't help. and i'm so frustrated when people just brush off these kinds of problems. i know these kind of things can so easily be seen as someone trying to seek for attention. and i will tell you, yes they are seeking for attention. they are. because they feel so alone, so helpless, they want people to understand them or at least not judge them.
that's the reason why i always make an effort to listen to whatever my friends have to say. because i know how it feels to be so helpless, i wish i could die. i hated myself so much at one point of my life i wish i could just end my life. i felt so alone. i felt like everyone was so busy with their own life and i was just there, doing nothing. just being a useless being. i never really talked about this with my friends. but i was glad, i was so so so glad that i talked to my mom about it. i really really want to thank god or karma or whatever this mighty power for giving me a wonderful family. i really do.
and i'm so glad you people can't see my face right now cos i have water coming out of my eyes and nose i'm just a mess haha. but yeah, i am so glad my mom noticed something was wrong with me and just sat down and talked to me. i think i cried in front of her while telling her i felt so useless, i felt so inferior compared to all my peers and friends. i felt like i was a disappointment for the family, and that i couldn't make my parents proud. and guess what she told me. she told me that it's okay. everything will be okay. there will always be a way out for everything, always a plan B, a second option. and that no matter what i do, she'll still be proud of me and that everyone will still love me. and guess what, after that talk, everything, and i mean everything, went well for me.
i don't know if any of my friends reading this would actually believe me, but i will honestly tell you that i've thought about ways to end my own life. i thought about which floor of a building should i jump from, what cleaning supplies should i drink so that i will die as quickly as possible, whether i should just cut my wrist or just hang myself. it was stupid i know, but it seemed like such a good option at that time. i'm just really glad that i didn't have the balls to do those things and that i'm not that despo at that moment.
i know that not every one is as lucky as i am. i have a wonderful family, and really amazing friends. some people's source of problem could be their own family, or that they have really shitty classmates. and for those people who feel so tired and sick of this world, you know what, i am really sick and tired of this world too. i cannot and will not promise nor guarantee that everything will be better. but all i know is that without another person trying to change the world into a better place for everyone, things won't change. it will stay that way for the rest of time. i know it's not easy, it's almost impossible really, but i do have this stupid idealistic wish, this small wish, that i too can make a difference. i myself is just 1 against the world. but if every single, small, weak, insignificant human work toward the same goal, wouldn't it be an easier job for all of us? one of my goals in life is, if i'm lucky enough to have children, i want to be an awesome mom to my kids. i think that's the least i can do, to be someone who's like my parents.
i am really thankful to have parents that will accept me for whatever i am. they never for once tell me i have to be this or that. the only thing my dad usually tells me is that i should try to lose weight. yes dad, i'm working on that, still. i can't promise you that i'd be thin but at least i will try to keep myself healthy. i remember how my dad would point at his friend's kids and say "look at her, look at her body. you can be like that. stop eating too much." here's a shout-out for my dad, "yes dad i can see she has a rly good body, but i just love food too much. as much as i love you. so just remember that i love you"
i know my dad meant the best for me. it's just an asian thing. asians show off their daughters like that. i should just ace in my studies so i can be showed off as a smart daughter, not a daughter who's pretty or has a body like a model. or maybe one day a stray lightning will strike me and i decide to be a daughter who's smart AND is pretty and has a body like a model. who knows dad, who knows~ then you'll be the proudest dad out there. i will try and fulfill that wish of yours dad. haha.
so in a nutshell i feel really lucky. and i just wish and hope that everyone can get another chance in life. i know the future is so so bleak for us now, but who knows, who knows one day someone will be able to change this world. it could be you! but if you said goodbye to this earth so quickly, who will help us change this world?? once again, i cannot promise things will get better, but i know there will be a place that we belong to. we just have to find it! i'm still looking for mine now so let's work hard together!!!
and a gif of my babies to cheer you people up~ to make it better or worse idk, the girl jumping there is actually a guy.
annyeong♡
i haven't been writing much lately cos my papers were killing me~
i have another paper due on monday but it's alright cos my writing class' paper is done like yayyyyyy
i slept at 7pm last night cos i was just soooo sleep deprived for 2 weeks i was dying, so when i got back from class i was still trying to watch some videos and eat dinner. but after dinner i was like no. i need a bed like now. yeah and that's how i missed the whole freaking MAMA but i think everyone won so everyone was happy? haha idk
all i know that my freaking plot twist came true cos yeah buskerbusker won rookie award like eat that bap and exo fans lol. those two fandom just went crazy and like a war broke or something. i don't know i was too busy with my paper.
^^^ that part was written yesterday. i totally forgot about this post haha.
so it's the first day of the last month of this year yay~
2012 has been a wild ride. haha. i don't know how to explain it but yeah. it's a hella crazy year.
i think i used to write some sort of yearly conclusion thingy on my blog in the past.. i don't know. i never really checked but yeah. since 2012 is the first year i moved here to davis, california, i really want to make a year-end blog post thingy this year.
and i'll probably make another year end resolution? idk. year end resolutions are kinda stupid but i'll probably make one just for the heck of it lol. i'll probably wish to get a boyfriend or something along those lines lol. santa won't you give me a guy this year? i think i'm starting to get a bit despo here lol.
yesterday i went shopping by myself *again* and bought a skirt that i love love love ohgod. and it only costs $12 altho there are some seams coming out i have no complaint since i got if for half the price. i'm not the type who'll make a big fuss about something that i cannot change. might as well try looking for ways to fix it haha.
i'm actually in the mood to make a young female human talk thingy again today haha. part III anyone?
for new readers who don't know what this "young female human" talk thing is, it's basically me, yours truly, writing a bunch of my thoughts *some might call it bullshit* about a topic that has been either bothering me, or about things that i've noticed from the people around me. and yeah like any young female human, i like talking about boys, love, crush and whatever that mumbo jumbo thing is. i wish i could talk about more serious stuff such as religion, racism, feminism, misandry, sexual education, and stuff like that, but it seems like those topics are so sensitive and i have absolutely no education on that so i will just save everyone and myself the trouble by just talking about shit that other young female human talks about.
well well once again, i abandoned this post for a few hours *oops*
i was actually planning to talk about love and loving an image of someone rather that the person itself. but i showered and went to youtube and watched a few vid.. decided to talk about how important my friends are for me. and how words really hurt. the person who made the whole "stick and stones may break my bones but words won't hurt me" phrase really need to re-evaluate his life. like seriously, if i had a choice between breaking my bones or having to hear all those hurtful words i heard in the past, i would rather someone just broke my leg or both of my legs, cos i know it will heal. yeah it will not be perfect but at least i can't inflict the pain to myself over and over again, even after years have passed.
words does hurt. and it hurts more that physical pain cos you can't re-inflict physical pain just by imagining getting yourself stabbed again and again. but your brain surely can replay those hateful words people said about you 10 years ago, again and again and again and again, until the day your brain forgets those words. and the pain that was caused by those words, it will feel as bad as the first time you heard it if you let it hurt you. it could even hurt worse. sometimes it will make you believe that those words are true. that yes, you are useless. you are worth nothing. people like you should just die. replay that 5 times a day and soon your brain will believe that it's true. that's why, think before you speak. please. i try to control my mouth more now. i bet i hurt quite a few people in the past. and i would truly like to say i'm sorry. i am truly very sorry. i was immature. and i know it shouldn't even be used as an excuse, cos i should have known better. i know how it feels yet i still did that. i am truly very sorry.
it is easy for words to cause people to fall into depression. and depression can be really mild or really severe. sometimes it makes you want to end your life, just because it feels as if it is easier to just end it all.
i think i've talked about this in one or two posts in the past. i just feel like it will never ever be enough. i just wish people would teach their kids how they should act. sometimes i feel so frustrated. so so so frustrated. i always feel so frustrated when i see someone post something about having suicidal thoughts. i'm so frustrated because i can't help. and i'm so frustrated when people just brush off these kinds of problems. i know these kind of things can so easily be seen as someone trying to seek for attention. and i will tell you, yes they are seeking for attention. they are. because they feel so alone, so helpless, they want people to understand them or at least not judge them.
that's the reason why i always make an effort to listen to whatever my friends have to say. because i know how it feels to be so helpless, i wish i could die. i hated myself so much at one point of my life i wish i could just end my life. i felt so alone. i felt like everyone was so busy with their own life and i was just there, doing nothing. just being a useless being. i never really talked about this with my friends. but i was glad, i was so so so glad that i talked to my mom about it. i really really want to thank god or karma or whatever this mighty power for giving me a wonderful family. i really do.
and i'm so glad you people can't see my face right now cos i have water coming out of my eyes and nose i'm just a mess haha. but yeah, i am so glad my mom noticed something was wrong with me and just sat down and talked to me. i think i cried in front of her while telling her i felt so useless, i felt so inferior compared to all my peers and friends. i felt like i was a disappointment for the family, and that i couldn't make my parents proud. and guess what she told me. she told me that it's okay. everything will be okay. there will always be a way out for everything, always a plan B, a second option. and that no matter what i do, she'll still be proud of me and that everyone will still love me. and guess what, after that talk, everything, and i mean everything, went well for me.
i don't know if any of my friends reading this would actually believe me, but i will honestly tell you that i've thought about ways to end my own life. i thought about which floor of a building should i jump from, what cleaning supplies should i drink so that i will die as quickly as possible, whether i should just cut my wrist or just hang myself. it was stupid i know, but it seemed like such a good option at that time. i'm just really glad that i didn't have the balls to do those things and that i'm not that despo at that moment.
i know that not every one is as lucky as i am. i have a wonderful family, and really amazing friends. some people's source of problem could be their own family, or that they have really shitty classmates. and for those people who feel so tired and sick of this world, you know what, i am really sick and tired of this world too. i cannot and will not promise nor guarantee that everything will be better. but all i know is that without another person trying to change the world into a better place for everyone, things won't change. it will stay that way for the rest of time. i know it's not easy, it's almost impossible really, but i do have this stupid idealistic wish, this small wish, that i too can make a difference. i myself is just 1 against the world. but if every single, small, weak, insignificant human work toward the same goal, wouldn't it be an easier job for all of us? one of my goals in life is, if i'm lucky enough to have children, i want to be an awesome mom to my kids. i think that's the least i can do, to be someone who's like my parents.
i am really thankful to have parents that will accept me for whatever i am. they never for once tell me i have to be this or that. the only thing my dad usually tells me is that i should try to lose weight. yes dad, i'm working on that, still. i can't promise you that i'd be thin but at least i will try to keep myself healthy. i remember how my dad would point at his friend's kids and say "look at her, look at her body. you can be like that. stop eating too much." here's a shout-out for my dad, "yes dad i can see she has a rly good body, but i just love food too much. as much as i love you. so just remember that i love you"
i know my dad meant the best for me. it's just an asian thing. asians show off their daughters like that. i should just ace in my studies so i can be showed off as a smart daughter, not a daughter who's pretty or has a body like a model. or maybe one day a stray lightning will strike me and i decide to be a daughter who's smart AND is pretty and has a body like a model. who knows dad, who knows~ then you'll be the proudest dad out there. i will try and fulfill that wish of yours dad. haha.
so in a nutshell i feel really lucky. and i just wish and hope that everyone can get another chance in life. i know the future is so so bleak for us now, but who knows, who knows one day someone will be able to change this world. it could be you! but if you said goodbye to this earth so quickly, who will help us change this world?? once again, i cannot promise things will get better, but i know there will be a place that we belong to. we just have to find it! i'm still looking for mine now so let's work hard together!!!
annyeong♡
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