i don't know what to do. i guess there's something wrong with me, but i'm not really sure what's wrong.. nothing's wrong with me physically but i think i have some issues with my head.
so now my roommate, jen, is out to a project-meeting with her classmates and then she'll go play badminton till it's around 11pm. and what i discover is that every time my roommate goes out and leave me alone in the apartment, i'll get a really strange feeling. it's like i'm so afraid of something,but i just can't figure out what i'm afraid of. it feels so empty and hollow like someone took something from me but i don't know what. at first i thought it was because i was worried about my assignments but recently i discover that the weird feelings shows up only when jen goes out and leave me alone in the apartment. i'll just get ultra worried and end up crying. not just crying but sobbing. i'm really tired of this. i want it to stop.
i really feel so lonely here. even though i try to show up at a lot of gatherings, those at college, even to my cousin's church! i'm not a christian but i ended up going to my cousin's church so that i can make more friends. i just can't stand being alone. i realize that my biggest fear is being alone. i'm no longer afraid to go out and make friends anymore cos i know, more than the fear of being embarrassed in public, i'm more afraid of being alone. the thought itself is enough to drive me crazy.
i know that i'm not alone here, i have a few new friends, my roommates, and my cousin. but i still feel lonely. very very very lonely. it's like i have no one to depend on. i'm not saying that my cousin or roommates treat me badly. they treat me really nicely and there's no way i can repay their kindness to me. i find it hard for me to trust them 100% like i trust my bebes back at home. really, it's unbelievable that i can't even trust my own cousin, who has lived for 3 years in my own home, who i'm supposed to be able to treat as my own sister, that i'm supposed to be able to trust. i don't know if this is how it's supposed to be or if i have some major issues with myself.
or maybe i don't have any issues with myself? cos i haven't been close to my cousin for years. maybe a part of me is telling me that i can trust her cos i know her but then another part of me is screaming,telling me i can't trust her cos she might not be the cousin i knew from the past, maybe she has changed, be wary of her. it's crazy. my head is crazy. i am going to have a mental breakdown sooner or later if this goes on for the rest of my time here...
there are a lot of things that makes me feel lonely too.
even though i have met a few friends at college and some of them are really nice, but i just can't seem to trust them. i wonder if it shows on my face, cos if it does it will insult them and i don't want to do that to them. they are really nice. ><
i think i need a fellow fangirl friend... it's funny how fandoms will pull people closer together. liking the same things means we'll have more things in common. i really truly miss the time i spent spazzing over kpop with my bebes..
another thing that i miss a lot is skinship. i cannot deny how much i love skinship and how much skinship i did in the past at high school. well, i did most of my skinships with girls tho, so don't worry ;p now i miss skinship to the max! you won't know how much i feel like grabbing my classmates hands in the middle of the lecture, no matter who was sitting beside me that day. it's so hard to keep that urge down i'm so afraid that someday i'm going to pounce on a random person i meet at college and hug them till they suffocate or something. i just yearn to hold someone's hand, to hug somebody. every time i go out with my cousin i will eventually link arms with her, it just comes naturally. in the other hand i hope i won't 'naturally' just grab someone's hand in the middle of the road cos i might end up being yelled at or worse get punched.
and i miss my parents a lot. i constantly wonder how they're getting along at home without me. even though it's not like they can't live without me but to not be able to see me and ask me to help them out with things like picking my siblings up from school, do some chores or just help them pick what to wear to a gathering. it always hurts me when i remember what my mom and dad says before i came here. my mom said that from now on there's no one to help her style her hair. and my dad said that i'm a bad kid for leaving him and going that far away from him. sometimes i feel that i'm so selfish cos i can't imagine what my parents feel when we waved goodbye at the airport.
i'm constantly worried about my parents, i'm worried that they might get lonely without me, that's why on CNY i bugged a lot of my bebes to go to my house to paicia. haha. i mean after all this is the first time my parents spent CNY without me. i would be grateful if any one of my bebes would just go to play at my house sometimes, just talk to my mom, so that she won't feel too lonely.
recently i watched a k-drama, SHUT UP FLOWER BOY BAND, which has got me devastated when one of the characters died. it was a drama about a group of juveniles who formed a band. i fell for the 2 main male lead in the drama, jihyuk and byunghee. i personally adore byunghee to bits because of his personality and how he seemed to 'look sad even when he's smiling'. there was a particular line jihyuk said that i loved, it was "everything is gonna be okay as long as we have byunghee." i thought it was really beautiful, cos byunghee and jihyuk depended each other a lot in that drama. what i didn't know is that it turns out the actor who played as byunghee was only a cameo and that byunghee would die in episode 2. i was torn apart when he died, it's both what jihyuk has said previously and the way he died that hurt me the most.
byunghee was hit on the head with a bat and called jihyuk for help. jihyuk, who was waiting for him at their place, left his phone inside the house when he was talking to a neighbor in his front door. by the time jihyuk saw his phone, he gathered up the other band members and they went to look for him. when they finally spotted byunghee, byunghee, who was bleeding so bad, saw jihyuk and said ,"jihyuk,you came." and started to walk across the street. i honestly got relieved for a second but then a truck came and just drove right towards byunghee and killed him. to me, it was so hurtful, it's like you getting thrown down after having a glimmer of hope. when you thought everything was going to be okay, the worst happened. and then i started to think, what will jihyuk do now that byunghee is gone.... i seriously got really sad for 2-3 days and stopped watching the drama altogether.
some of you may think that i'm a crazy girl who got immersed too deep into a drama but the thing that made me sad wasn't only the fact that byunghee died, but what am i supposed to do if that happens to me one day.. when i finally found someone who i thought i could count on for the rest of my life, but then suddenly they're gone. will i be able to accept the fact if that happens? or will i just get a mental breakdown and go crazy? byunghee has left me with a lot to ponder...
and as a side note, i would like to talk about suicidal thoughts... i used to have a thought that when people said they are going to kill themselves, they are just trying to look for attention. but as i slowly thought about this matter seriously, sometimes those suicide threats aren't just words. people have to be able to differentiate people who are just seeking for attention to those who really needs our help. the truth is i used to have suicidal thoughts once in a while in the past. it's not a serious case, but now i realize how easy it was for those thoughts to surface is my head in the past. i would think, would it be better if i was dead? will everyone be happier? it was nothing serious but i really gave a thought of whether i could die if i jumped from the second floor of my house. it's crazy, i know, but i'm not making things up here.. but i have to thank God that i'm afraid of pain..i don't want to die in pain. and i sure don't want to see my parents being sad. one thing i must say is, the further away a person is from God, the easier those thoughts creep into their mind. i'm not a fully religious person but i love God and i know and proved that by being closer to God i have found more strength in myself because i know in the end that i will never be truly alone. i understand that sometimes i will forgot God's presence, because as a human being, it's hard to remember what you can't see......
well that's all, cos i just had a sudden thought about people who are suicidal and how much it actually hurts them cos most of them can't really speak up their mind..they just keep bottling things up, bottling those thoughts up until they can't hold on anymore and just decided to end their life.. so please, readers, care more about those around you.. cos once they are gone there's no way to bring them back.
that's all for tonight..i stopped crying cos i'm listening to my life battery charger's songs~ :) and for those who don't know who my life battery charger is, it's my babies, my SHINee XD
ah and one more thing, a shout out for one of my bebes, jessy~! hey you know what, your lovey dovey-ness with your guy is making me jelly here XD i guess i'm still not used to sharing you with other people.. you are MINEEEE~ hahahha.
by the way, someone, i mean my future partner, please hold my hand like this
obvious ones
super sweet ones that makes me want to try do it too~
okay i can see that some of you are making faces like
my bias~~♡ they are my super power charger~ ♡♡♡
nothing you say will make me change my mind about them
so,annyeong~~~ ♡
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