i haven't been writing much lately cos my papers were killing me~
i have another paper due on monday but it's alright cos my writing class' paper is done like yayyyyyy
i slept at 7pm last night cos i was just soooo sleep deprived for 2 weeks i was dying, so when i got back from class i was still trying to watch some videos and eat dinner. but after dinner i was like no. i need a bed like now. yeah and that's how i missed the whole freaking MAMA but i think everyone won so everyone was happy? haha idk
all i know that my freaking plot twist came true cos yeah buskerbusker won rookie award like eat that bap and exo fans lol. those two fandom just went crazy and like a war broke or something. i don't know i was too busy with my paper.
^^^ that part was written yesterday. i totally forgot about this post haha.
so it's the first day of the last month of this year yay~
2012 has been a wild ride. haha. i don't know how to explain it but yeah. it's a hella crazy year.
i think i used to write some sort of yearly conclusion thingy on my blog in the past.. i don't know. i never really checked but yeah. since 2012 is the first year i moved here to davis, california, i really want to make a year-end blog post thingy this year.
and i'll probably make another year end resolution? idk. year end resolutions are kinda stupid but i'll probably make one just for the heck of it lol. i'll probably wish to get a boyfriend or something along those lines lol. santa won't you give me a guy this year? i think i'm starting to get a bit despo here lol.
yesterday i went shopping by myself *again* and bought a skirt that i love love love ohgod. and it only costs $12 altho there are some seams coming out i have no complaint since i got if for half the price. i'm not the type who'll make a big fuss about something that i cannot change. might as well try looking for ways to fix it haha.
i'm actually in the mood to make a young female human talk thingy again today haha. part III anyone?
for new readers who don't know what this "young female human" talk thing is, it's basically me, yours truly, writing a bunch of my thoughts *some might call it bullshit* about a topic that has been either bothering me, or about things that i've noticed from the people around me. and yeah like any young female human, i like talking about boys, love, crush and whatever that mumbo jumbo thing is. i wish i could talk about more serious stuff such as religion, racism, feminism, misandry, sexual education, and stuff like that, but it seems like those topics are so sensitive and i have absolutely no education on that so i will just save everyone and myself the trouble by just talking about shit that other young female human talks about.
well well once again, i abandoned this post for a few hours *oops*
i was actually planning to talk about love and loving an image of someone rather that the person itself. but i showered and went to youtube and watched a few vid.. decided to talk about how important my friends are for me. and how words really hurt. the person who made the whole "stick and stones may break my bones but words won't hurt me" phrase really need to re-evaluate his life. like seriously, if i had a choice between breaking my bones or having to hear all those hurtful words i heard in the past, i would rather someone just broke my leg or both of my legs, cos i know it will heal. yeah it will not be perfect but at least i can't inflict the pain to myself over and over again, even after years have passed.
words does hurt. and it hurts more that physical pain cos you can't re-inflict physical pain just by imagining getting yourself stabbed again and again. but your brain surely can replay those hateful words people said about you 10 years ago, again and again and again and again, until the day your brain forgets those words. and the pain that was caused by those words, it will feel as bad as the first time you heard it if you let it hurt you. it could even hurt worse. sometimes it will make you believe that those words are true. that yes, you are useless. you are worth nothing. people like you should just die. replay that 5 times a day and soon your brain will believe that it's true. that's why, think before you speak. please. i try to control my mouth more now. i bet i hurt quite a few people in the past. and i would truly like to say i'm sorry. i am truly very sorry. i was immature. and i know it shouldn't even be used as an excuse, cos i should have known better. i know how it feels yet i still did that. i am truly very sorry.
it is easy for words to cause people to fall into depression. and depression can be really mild or really severe. sometimes it makes you want to end your life, just because it feels as if it is easier to just end it all.
i think i've talked about this in one or two posts in the past. i just feel like it will never ever be enough. i just wish people would teach their kids how they should act. sometimes i feel so frustrated. so so so frustrated. i always feel so frustrated when i see someone post something about having suicidal thoughts. i'm so frustrated because i can't help. and i'm so frustrated when people just brush off these kinds of problems. i know these kind of things can so easily be seen as someone trying to seek for attention. and i will tell you, yes they are seeking for attention. they are. because they feel so alone, so helpless, they want people to understand them or at least not judge them.
that's the reason why i always make an effort to listen to whatever my friends have to say. because i know how it feels to be so helpless, i wish i could die. i hated myself so much at one point of my life i wish i could just end my life. i felt so alone. i felt like everyone was so busy with their own life and i was just there, doing nothing. just being a useless being. i never really talked about this with my friends. but i was glad, i was so so so glad that i talked to my mom about it. i really really want to thank god or karma or whatever this mighty power for giving me a wonderful family. i really do.
and i'm so glad you people can't see my face right now cos i have water coming out of my eyes and nose i'm just a mess haha. but yeah, i am so glad my mom noticed something was wrong with me and just sat down and talked to me. i think i cried in front of her while telling her i felt so useless, i felt so inferior compared to all my peers and friends. i felt like i was a disappointment for the family, and that i couldn't make my parents proud. and guess what she told me. she told me that it's okay. everything will be okay. there will always be a way out for everything, always a plan B, a second option. and that no matter what i do, she'll still be proud of me and that everyone will still love me. and guess what, after that talk, everything, and i mean everything, went well for me.
i don't know if any of my friends reading this would actually believe me, but i will honestly tell you that i've thought about ways to end my own life. i thought about which floor of a building should i jump from, what cleaning supplies should i drink so that i will die as quickly as possible, whether i should just cut my wrist or just hang myself. it was stupid i know, but it seemed like such a good option at that time. i'm just really glad that i didn't have the balls to do those things and that i'm not that despo at that moment.
i know that not every one is as lucky as i am. i have a wonderful family, and really amazing friends. some people's source of problem could be their own family, or that they have really shitty classmates. and for those people who feel so tired and sick of this world, you know what, i am really sick and tired of this world too. i cannot and will not promise nor guarantee that everything will be better. but all i know is that without another person trying to change the world into a better place for everyone, things won't change. it will stay that way for the rest of time. i know it's not easy, it's almost impossible really, but i do have this stupid idealistic wish, this small wish, that i too can make a difference. i myself is just 1 against the world. but if every single, small, weak, insignificant human work toward the same goal, wouldn't it be an easier job for all of us? one of my goals in life is, if i'm lucky enough to have children, i want to be an awesome mom to my kids. i think that's the least i can do, to be someone who's like my parents.
i am really thankful to have parents that will accept me for whatever i am. they never for once tell me i have to be this or that. the only thing my dad usually tells me is that i should try to lose weight. yes dad, i'm working on that, still. i can't promise you that i'd be thin but at least i will try to keep myself healthy. i remember how my dad would point at his friend's kids and say "look at her, look at her body. you can be like that. stop eating too much." here's a shout-out for my dad, "yes dad i can see she has a rly good body, but i just love food too much. as much as i love you. so just remember that i love you"
i know my dad meant the best for me. it's just an asian thing. asians show off their daughters like that. i should just ace in my studies so i can be showed off as a smart daughter, not a daughter who's pretty or has a body like a model. or maybe one day a stray lightning will strike me and i decide to be a daughter who's smart AND is pretty and has a body like a model. who knows dad, who knows~ then you'll be the proudest dad out there. i will try and fulfill that wish of yours dad. haha.
so in a nutshell i feel really lucky. and i just wish and hope that everyone can get another chance in life. i know the future is so so bleak for us now, but who knows, who knows one day someone will be able to change this world. it could be you! but if you said goodbye to this earth so quickly, who will help us change this world?? once again, i cannot promise things will get better, but i know there will be a place that we belong to. we just have to find it! i'm still looking for mine now so let's work hard together!!!
annyeong♡
No comments:
Post a Comment