i'm back again haha
with a little more activity in my brain than the time i posted my prev post......
so.... i spent a friday very relaxingly. chilled with my housemates, jen and emily while discussing about house rules~ still not used to calling the place i stay here as my "house" cos it's not mine and it's not a house, it's an apartment. i'm very anal about some things so, ignore me.
and yeah i finally read 48hours!
for those who doesn't know what it is, it's a fanfic written by a fabulous writer who i don't know.. it was originally written in mandarin but thanks to a wonderful person who translated it to english, more fans can read it!!! i'm not gonna link you guys to it tho... if you're really interested in it you can google it up. it's not a fic that i'm gonna recommend to just anyone, and please prepare yourself before reading it. give yourself time to actually take in all the info and the emotions this fic might give you. cos yeah i cried like someone died while reading it. ;__; i am a very good reader, which could be my flaw, i don't know. still undecided about that haha. i pick up emotions too quickly and find myself getting immersed into fictional situations too fast. but trust me, you wouldn't want to see my face when i was reading it. i was basically a sobbing mess, i had to go to the bathroom to clean my face up after reading the whole thing.
and ***spoiler alert*** i might leave some spoilers while explaining my feels here so... if you don't want me to spoil the fun *or torment, i still cant decide* for you, please skip skip skip this post :) i love you. haha. don't ask me why, i just do. ;p
--disclaimer-- this is purely my feels and thoughts :) and i'm talking about the characters in the fic, not the members of exo in real life. they just happen to share the name.
plus plus plus
--WARNING-- i'll be talking about themes related *suicide and death* so it might not be suitable for all my readers. please, skip this post if you think it is inappropriate for you. please. thank you. and i love you :) yes i love you, please don't doubt my love haha
if you asked me why i cried while reading the fic when it's not real, i will tell you because it is so very real in a sense that the things in the fic might not happen in real life, but the emotions, the torments that each character went thru throughout the story is very real. when put in a situation where you can only choose to sacrifice either yourself or another person, who would you choose? would you kill the other person or kill yourself? and which choice is more selfish? is the will to give up your life and let the other live more selfish? the choice of leaving this world and leave the other person to grieve upon your death... or is it the choice to live more selfish? the will to live, the survival instinct, and to kill the other person just to breathe a few more minutes.
love..... is as scary as it is beautiful... whether it is the love one has for oneself or for others. can love be used to justify the things people do? how many times have you heard people say "i did this because i loved you" "it is all because of love" have you ever stopped to think whether the people who said those words to you really loved you or did they love themselves more? do you ever find yourself to be in that position?
the part in the beginning of the fic, in chapter one, where the psychiatrist has just started talking to kris.. kris asked the psychiatrist what he'd do if the case was just a trick, if everything was a lie and it was just to trick the psychiatrist to enter the room and get locked with kris, with no means of contacting anyone outside and get help... to me, kris was depicting what he felt throughout the whole incident. and when the psychiatrist answered that he'd protect himself from kris, and that he will not attack kris nor trust kris, kris told him he was wrong, that everyone who was the victim of the incident was wrong, that he himself was wrong.
when i was reading that part, it hit me, that kris was right, the psychiatrist was wrong, and he himself was wrong to have thought that way. i think in situations like that, the one you should be protecting yourself from is your own self. humans are very self-destructive, you know. it was depicted throughout the story. how everyone in the story was so lost in their thought and assumptions about the other person, they were trapped in their own fear, so easily succumbing into their own fear. their survival instinct kicks in, they wanted to live, they wanted to survive so bad they started to suspect everyone, even themselves.
when people die, people mourn and grieve for their death, but have you ever thought about those tears that those mourners shed, was it for the people who died or was it for themselves. were they really sad about that person who left this world? or were they just crying because they don't know how to live without that person who died, crying because that person has left them to suffer by their own in this world, crying because they feel so wronged, crying because they feel sorry for themselves....
there were also part where you could see how some character's love for the other person became the cause of his own death. and the sudden realization as they were killing the other person, how much they loved the other person that they wavered at the last second, the memories suddenly flooding their senses. they ask themselves, why? why am i doing this to him? what am i doing to him? what am i doing to myself? what am i doing this for? at the last second they forgot what they were doing the things they did, because they were just so caught on doing the things they did, they forgot what they were doing it for..
that happens all the time in real life. not the killing part, but the part where we try so hard in doing something, we end up being so tired, we try so hard that we forgot what we were trying to do, what were we trying so hard for.. i bet you've heard the phrase "we fought so much that we forgot what we were fighting for" this phrase is depicted so perfectly in the story. and in the last few second of the victim's life, the victim would somehow remember his love toward his killer and the good memories they shared, and the victim would waver at the last second, and stop struggling, maybe even forgiving his killer.
how many times have we wavered when we tried to hurt someone? and how many more times have we wavered when we tried to fight back? all in the name of love? or is it because we once shared beautiful memories with that someone? it's something worth contemplating.
i want to just applaud the writer for capturing such realistic conditions, the human condition, the human psyche, in such a beautiful way. i've always loved stories like this. i've always loved watching hannibal lecter movies and crime/detective dramas cos the killer would always have a reason to kill. i don't remember how many times i've contemplated to be an investigator or detective. i am fascinated by the way human minds work, and intrigued to find out about the things that drives a person into doing the things they did. maybe that's one of the reason i picked psychology as my major. seriously. i want that job so bad now. haha.
and i can't believe how much feels this fic gave me. i legit cried so bad. i had a feeling it would end this way, so i picked a chill day to read the fic when my roommates are out~ haha. i made so much mental prep too tho, but it still hit me so hard! i put myself in another person's shoes far too quickly to my liking sometimes haha.
in a very big and emotional nutshell, this fic was the bomb!!! lol the bomb. okay no, this fic is really really really good, it is amazing, the author is amazing. i really love the author i would like to thank him/her for writing this beautiful piece of literature. and heaps of love for the person who translated the fic into english. there should be a special spot in heaven for people like you! :D
***end of feels***
okay and i told my bebes that i'll help them translate the vid a fan made for the fic~
the title of the vid is EXO(Main Kris) 48 Hours Full Ver. thank you suyi960220 for making the vid!
--disclaimer-- i did not make this video~~
so this is it~!!! some parts are actually conversations that took place in the fics, one of the reason i chose to read the fic before translating~ thanks for waiting :D
0:48 - (when) passing through the swamp of human nature, who can truly not be dirtied (stay clean)
1:09 - 1:15 - "let's break up into two groups" (this is what kris said in the fic)
1:20 - if our lifes can be rewritten / if we could rewrite our lives
1:26 - will the ending be different?
1:37 - "Luhan" (i assume this is when they're picking team members)
1:44 - "without Luhan, we cannot win" (i think chanyeol was the one who said this)
2:06 - "you cheated" (the scene where babysoo died because of the drink,someone said this to tao)
2:12 - "who was the one who cheated first" (because it was sehun who actually took the drink first, but chanyeol/kai[?] intervened?)
2:27 - "without my permission, how could you kill baekhyun?"
2:33 - the grouping/assembly of people is determined by fate and "非口號"(idk what this means but 非 means not and 口號 means catchphrase. so....idk haha sorry)
2:40 - "truth or lies?"
2:44 - "i am not a person who lies"
2:51 - "you are the most shameless senior i've ever met"
2:56 - "you are the most arrogant maknae i've ever met" (oh gosh i cried so hard at this part of the fic, my hunhan feels)
3:02 - "i'm sorry i could not protect that much"
3:08 - if there is another(a next) life/if i could be reborn
3:10 - i hope god wont let me meet the person i love from this life
3:14 - Park Chanyeol
3:17 - i cannot give that much smiles (to you)
3:19 - you say i smile/laugh too much
3:28 - (on the pic)(first 3 lines) "i'm sorry" i will try my best to live on and atone to you with the rest of my life. (bottom 2 line) the cheerful and happy you only left me with silence after laughing all you life (this is what kris thought when he killed yeol)
3:41 - i didn't leave you for the last because i don't have the heart to deal with him than you (this sentence is so hard to translate bcos of the way it is worded)
3:47 - anyway, since the beginning
3:50 - "i only said that i don't know the full effects of this heart disease medicine"
3:57 - i've already produced the lucifer effect early on
4:01 - (on the pic) is what you said true? is it true Luhan hyung? Chanyeol, is he really only sleeping?
4:03 - brotherhood/brotherly friendship?
4:09 - i cannot go/turn back
4:14 - (on pic) "i lost"
4:16 - "when will you kill me?"
4:20 - "now" (and kris and lay proceeded to make out omg)
4:55 - "i want to go home"
5:18 - i stayed alive
5:23 - but i'm also the one who lost thoroughly/the most/ but i am also the biggest loser
5:26 - (on the pic) don't doubt the moment that you're living right now, you are living the best moment of your life -48 hours
5:40 - i thought it was a never-ending road
5:48 - but i've become alone unintentionally
5:57 - the spot beside my shoulder is empty
6:04 - the person who i walked together with
6:09 - those people
6:15 - when did they walk out of your life
6:32 - you will never know
6:39 - never doubt, the moment you are living now is the best moment of your life -[48 hours]
6:47 -- end - vidmaker's disclaimers
ohgod i'm finally done with translating this vid~ it's so time consuming i don't know how long it took the person who translated this fic... but you are amazing....
but yeah bebes this is my translation for the vid~ it might not be 100% accurate, forgive my mandarin skills~
but PEOPLE~
if you want to share it with others please GIMME CREDITS cos it's so tiring!!! hahahaha. just credit to aseaofjellyfishes.blogspot.com or @deadjellyfish~
now i understand why some people are pissed as fuck when people don't credit haha.
it's 2:30 now. so bye. i need sleep i'm going to the bay area later....
i'll update some other time keke
annyeong♡
i can now understand what the vid is about thanks bebe~!!! omg omg omg thanks thankssss!!!! i love ya~!!!! ;*
ReplyDeleteyou're welcome bebe~ <3
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